This week, we were in Atlanta, visiting my family, and Steve and I were deep in the thicket of civil argument over where to live.  We followed the rules of principled negotiation and prioritized our interests.  I made it into a game in order to help us out of our impasse.  We organized sticky-notes of interests hierarchically on the window panes of my parent’s breakfast room.  I put green stickers on the ones that we prioritized equally.  The number of green stickers was rather amazing, and I was touched that Steve prioritized the travel time from the University of Amsterdam to the kids’ school at the top.

Here’s the thing: after ranking and sharing a few words about our interests, we weren’t any closer to consensus.  My second highest priority, after travel time, is living within walking distance of the girls’ school so that we can be a part of the school culture and community, surrounded by Dutch families with children to get to know.  The house next door whose kids have a pet bunny in the garden put my decision (for Hilversum) over the top. Steve’s second highest priority is urban design and architecture–living in urban old Europe rather than in what might feel like a suburb. (That means he ranks Weesp and Alkmaar over Hilversum.)

I am struck by the truth of this reviewer’s comments on the Amazon page for Fisher and Ury’s (1981) book, Getting to Yes:

“There are no secrets to negotiating, but it is an art form. You need to exercise total self-control, suppress your ego, and focus on the task at hand. You need to empathize with the side you’re negotiating with, and figure out how to best arrive at a mutually satisfactory agreement. You need to hold firm, while at the same time understanding that reaching an agreement is what’s important, and that ultimately everything can and need be sacrificed in order to reach an agreement, because the consequences of not reaching an agreement are unbearable — and that takes a firm hold of reality.” (By Jiang Xueqin)

Unbearable consequences.  Ouch.