I’ve made up my mind.  I have a clear sense, given the comparisons and contrasts among cities, about where I want to live.  There’s just one problem.  I’m not making this decision alone.  In fact, I told Steve that because I put the pin on the map in Amsterdam because of my career, he could choose where he wanted to live within commuting distance of the university.  Do I keep my mouth shut and hope for the best?  That’s not exactly in my nature.

In their classic book on negotiating, Getting to Yes, Fisher and Ury (1981) suggest separating the “issues” from the “positions.”  They also insist that negotiators should not get personal and attack the other’s personality (definitely good advice in a marriage).  They advise: don’t even go head to head with positions and counter-positions.  First, dig down deep to discover the interests of each party, and then find a win-win solution.  So what are all of our interests?  I will try to unify us rather than to make his and hers lists.  If we’re in this together, seeking the best possible solution to our question of where to live, then I should be looking to make the items on Steve’s list come true too.

I’ll also try to prioritize the list in terms of importance.  This is my perception.  It is a good guess that Steve might prioritize these differently.

1. I want to be able to get from the girls’ school to the University of Amsterdam and back in a reasonable time.  If one of them gets hurt on the playground and they call me, I want to be there as quickly as possible.

• From office in Amsterdam to Bergen school: 15 minute tram + 36 minute train + 26 minute bike = 75 minutes. (That feels like a long time to wait for your mommy if you vomited at school or broke your arm on the playground.)
• From office to Almere school: 15 minute tram + 30 minute train + 6 minute bike = 51 minutes
• From office to Hilversum school: 15 minute tram + 21 (37 every other 15 minutes) minute train? + 5 minute bike ride? = 41 minutes

2. Live where we can enjoy a car-free life with easy access to bakery, shops, recreation, school, restaurants, and a train station to visit other places.

I think that we have narrowed our list pretty well to have cities that fit this criteria.  Our biggest discussion around this was whether we would like to live in the village of Bergen itself, near the European school.  Bergen does have some shops and restaurants.  It’s known as an artists’ and writers’ hamlet.  Unfortunately, it would not offer a year’s worth of restaurants and museums to explore, and to visit other cities would require the 25 minute bike ride to Alkmaar right at the outset.

3. Live where we can take scenic and interesting longer bike rides.

Again, both Alkmaar and Hilversum fit this criteria.  Hilversum is surrounded by forests and heather fields, and Alkmaar sits on a nice bike route across the dunes to the North Sea.   There are more towns and cities near Hilversum to bike to than there are up on the peninsula where Alkmaar is located.

4. Live in a beautiful town with old European urban design and architecture.

This is where Hilversum comes in last in a cross-city comparison.  It has interesting 20th century architecture, but not an old European center.  Alkmaar is strikingly old-world.  Travel blogs describe it as almost too lovely to be true–a Brigadoon of canals and old Dutch architecture.  Weesp, one option of where to live if the girls went to the Almere school, is a small village with canals and well-kept homes just outside Amsterdam.  It is lovely too.  Hilversum has trees and nice neighborhoods, but not an old-Dutch center with canals and row houses.

Personally, I’ll be heading into Amsterdam a few times a week, so I’ll be getting my fill of canals and row houses there.  I hope to learn my favorite routes from the train station to the university, and enjoying that lovely city every week.  I hope, too, to spend sunny weekends taking bike rides to have lunch or a beer in lots of towns around the country, and going to Amsterdam or Utrecht for date nights with Steve.  I’m thus fine with green neighborhoods in Hilversum for weekday living within walking distance of the girls’ school and the train station with an Intercity train into Amsterdam and Utrecht.

5. Live close enough to the girls’ school where they can have play dates and feel like they are getting to know the community of other families.

6. Live where we can make interesting friends and learn about Dutch culture.

Certainly, part of moving somewhere for a family sabbatical (or a year abroad at any time) is getting to know actual people who live where you go.  I was so fortunate, when I studied in Sydney, Australia for a semester in college, to befriend an Australian who swam laps at the university pool when I did.  Once we established clear friendship-only boundaries, he became my tour guide of his life in Sydney: art openings, concerts at the opera house, hikes in the national parks, and great restaurants not in the university neighborhood.   Also in college I travelled to Sri Lanka with a classmate to live with her extended family.  Living with a family is just infinitely different than staying in a hotel as a tourist.  We swam at their neighborhood pool, tutored kids after school, and ate at home around the table together.

Next year, I’m eager to get to know a few Dutch nationals well–both scholars and young families. I want to get beyond the surfaces of an afternoon’s tour guide.